π Amazing the Things One Learns from Shutting Up, Slowing Down and Listening (Including to Oneself)
Last Updated: 3Β months, 2Β weeks ago
Listening and Learning
I talk a lot. I can be hella verbose, as you've noticed in my lengthy postings/articles.
But I can also listen, and that is something I try to work on.
I think listening to other perspectives (admittedly something I'm still trying to improve on because it's hard) but also really internalising them, has been the difference between myself and my parents, and the reason I outgrew the prejudices they taught me, while they cling to age as an excuse for their "inability to change" (and yet simultaneously as a qualifier of wisdom, go figure, hypocrites).
But maybe they have other reasons for not wanting to listen to how they, as white people, benefitted unambiguously from Apartheid.
Bigotry is a choice after all. Made my fear, brainwashing and instilled trauma sure, but also made by convenience, as it tends to be self-serving (and that is the point).
When I have the energy and mental health spoons to handle it (not often), I've been trying to get better at understanding how to communicate with and potentially help cult-brainwashed people to be less brainwashed and help bigoted people get less bigoted.
But that's a whole lot of potential trauma and burden I'm not sure if I can handle right now, and tends to leave a whole lot of processing. I should really ask myself why I watch atheist call-in shows and subject myself to bad faith arguments and how healthy it is for me.
And something I need to keep reminding myself is that an easier way to do this, and perhaps the right way, is a) to create comprehensive online learning/teaching materials (or share existing ones) or b)if I actually intend to talk to individuals who have not already made a mental shift and signed up to learn, then not to embark on a teaching mission, but to listen and ask genuine questions without a motive to "convert" anyone to my way of thinking and remember that in fact assuming that I know all the answers and that nobody who thinks differently has anything to teach me is a fear-instilled trap and is a form of bigotry in itself.
That is partly what started me on my cult deprogramming and faith deconstruction journey after all as an evangelical primed to convert others but unwilling to listen to anyone: my friend, a student of Philosophy, did not try to change my worldviews, but rather asked me genuine questions, causing me to actually have to question my own arguments. Because his questions were genuine and he did not try to convince me of anything in return, and because he was listening, I actually started to truly think about my answers instead of just throwing them out as my rehearsed defense.
He listened and sincerely tried to see how my views might be applied and whether they held weight instead of trying to parry them, and thus, through his openness, I realised I did not have to defend myself, and thus lowered my defenses, listened in return, took his questions seriously, started really thinking about my answers into the long-term.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk about: the importance of listening and learning- things which have always been important to me, though not necessarily things I've been amazing at. (Hey, being more wiling to learn than my bigoted parents, or at least not having the same blind spots as them through not living in the same entirely homogenous bubble and privilege they do, doesn't make me claim to be an expert on listening or learning).
But I have been working on listening for as long as I can remember, ever since my abusive parents told me as a child I needed to "learn to take criticism" (irony). And listening can be hard depending on what format it's in and who it's coming from and also if you don't trust their motives and are triggered by manipulation, or are neuroatypical like me and have layers of manipulation to dissect before you can hear the message underneath.
So it can be heavy-going, but I am working on listening.
But most importantly... I'm finally learning to listen to myself and my body.
Slowing Down helped with Learning to Listen to Myself
That's right, I've been learning to listen to myself.
Including when it's time to STOP listening to others and especially to external media. When it's time to unplug and just rest, and to just let the mind process like a computer idling and running its background maintenance, its downloads and it's ... well, anyone remember the days of defragging?
I'm starting to get a sense of when it needs to do that, and I think that awareness of the mind and body is the key to not becoming overwhelmed, like this video from Dr K I've shared a lot already (but would rather share here than keep requiring the reader to click on article links for core context).
Listening to myself and my body, slowing down to a single process at a time has been incredible.
It's done so much more than reduce my overwhelm - though it's done that in spades! That process in itself has been incredible, a gift that keeps on giving, and it has been the foundation for what else I realise has been happening!
I've actually lost the anxiety of being alone with my thoughts! This is massive! And the need to rush through things has entirely gone!
Prioritising has also made moments feel more special, and more weighty, but not in a burdensome way. In fact, it feels the opposite! Moments feel more profound, more meaningful. They feel like a privilege, a "blessing" to use religious terms.
I feel more present and more grounded in the here and now, and being here in the here and now feels like it's a really good thing.
I'm able to actually immerse myself in moments.
I'm able to actually relax.
And today I realised, this, focusing on one thing at a time and not overloading my mind, was the key to listening to my body!
I feel more aware of of my needs!
And this is making me more aware of what's going on in my mind!
I can actually feel when something is getting too much!
And in so doing, decide to avoid switching contexts or watching more unrelated videos to fill up my already hardworking mind, allow my mind more time to process when I sense it's accumulating thoughts to process, its processor is working hard and its RAM is running low!
I can then allow it to complete its jobs instead of further burdening and thus overburdening it!
This is giving my mind the opportunity to process thoughts fully!
(Hey this may even be helping my writing, as I see my sentences right now are becoming less convoluted and embedded lol).
This might even be the pre-preparation stage to learning to meditate. To explain: Dr K's has cited a recommended technique of learning to just focus on one thing as a "pre-meditation" exercise, a way for those struggling to focus to enhance that when first starting to learn meditation (though unfortunately, I can't seem to find the link to whichever video that is in).
Seeing the Mental Health Effects of Prioritization Instead of Multitasking
My Overwhelm Went Away!
This slowing down is even helping me to actually be able to get around to things I thought my mental health couldn't handle right now, like learning more about systemic inequality!
As a trans person, being reminded of systemic inequality can get really overwhelming. Seeing people begging on the street is also something that makes me deeply unhappy at the state of the world, especially in this cold winter season, and sometimes I just want to hide in my room and pretend the outside world doesn't exist. That doesn't make it go away though.
But I have been on an upward trend in getting more "on top of" the things that have been overwhelming me, and my life is changing. Today was even better, different to previous days before I started my blog, to even a month ago.
Through taking the day at an even pace, my subconscious thoughts did not run away with me and build up and cause an eventual overwhelm.
Today I was aware of subtle shifts in my mood and subtle struggles in cognition, I could actually feel the subtle sense of growing confusion when it occurred. Like the needle-indicator on a pressure guage and like a subtle feeling, I could actually detect what my mind was able to handle in terms of cognitive load. And through this awareness, I was able to regulate my input valve.
Thus I actually did not allow myself to become overwhelmed, and I did that by not becoming information overloaded.
Instead I stopped adding inputs, allowing my thoughts to fully process.
I was aware of when my thoughts started reaching the capacity at which my mind can not giving in to the urge to fill up time with youtube videos.
I stopped and wrote much of this blog, even initially publishing it, and then I was able to continue with my day, my slow thoughts, my waking up.
And a surprising thing happened. Then I actually had the energy and mental health spoons to tackle the heavy topic of a goal I'd had for a while: properly learning about black history, enough to make me want to write my article reflecting on the history of the trans-atlantic slave trade! It started with this one video, a TL;DR on answering white people's common questions about slavery.
And to my surprise, while I certainly felt emotion at the sense of just how long slavery had been continuing, and how much intent went into the slave trade in making sure the slaves captured were far from home and thus not able to receive help if they escaped, I actually did not feel overwhelmed, depressed and overwhelmed thinking of the immense amout of inequality that has existed in human society throughout history and the slow speed of progress. My brain was actually able to handle and process it, I guess because that is all my brain is processing right now. One thing at a time.
Even more than that, being able to handle it and actually be absorbed in the history instead of overwhelmed and depressed, and right now I've also started watching Crash Course Black American History!
So... Have I actually been filling up my space with so much noise instead of "prioritizing", as Dr K would put it?
My mind is kind of blown right now at what I'm able to handle, emotionally and mentally, when I don't try to overwhelm it with too much at once, especially when the things I've actually been overwhelming it have been a lot of unnecessary, or less-necessary noise!
The quality of videos I've been filling up my time with haven't all been good, there's been a lot of "while I'm cooking listen to X" kind of videos, which were about keeping me distracted, but removing "background" tasks has actually made me start to seek out tasks I can do with no other noise than the natural processing of my thoughts! Which is GREAT!
Plus... no longer avoiding my thoughts and moments of mindfulness and no longer trying to "escape" these situations might actually make it easier to finally getting around to finally doing more housework without the fear of being overwhelmed and having to tap out mid-way!
I think we're seriously onto something here with single-task processing and listening to one's thoughts, and the feeling of healing, recovery and sustainability is really something.
I would actually argue with Dr K that this is efficiency.
Also, is this what people talk about when they talk about knowing one's own capacity? It's actually possible to work within one's limits and not be overwhelmed?? Is THIS how neurotypicals do it???! π€―
Hmm. π€
Wow.
Just... wow.
My mind is blown.
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