π I Fell For the good old Evangelical One-Two Suckerpunch Today and it Hurt like Hell
Last Updated: 3Β months, 3Β weeks ago
It's Not Like I'm New To The Playbook
You'd think I'd have learned not to open up to past friends who are still conservative Christians, having been literally raised in their same predatory evangelical playbook of:
- Reel them in with love and pretend understanding and compassion,
- Wait till they open up and trust you and are emotionally vulnerable or broken by traumatic life circumstances then
- Wham them with 'you're a sinner and need to repent if you want love'
But no.
Good Old Gaslighting, Same Unoriginal Template Quotes
The friend I was stupid enough to almost risk my life going to a Texas wedding for as a trans guy and then part of a visibly gay couple today sent me the totally original never-heard-before same old stencil template message you're told to tell your "backslidden" or non-christian friends of "I love you and have to be honest with you that I don't think God wants you to be X" (X = "trans" here) plus an additional section I know was suggested by my mother trying to convince me that my life (which I've carefully not been keeping past networks in the loop about) must be "unfulfilling" living as a trans person.
So the first section being from the evangelical playbook, the latter part as I mentioned is, to understate it, hauntingly reminiscent of my mother's messages before I had to block her, and she, a nontraditional narcissistic psychological abuser incapable of respecting boundaries is known for finding out whoever I'm still currently in contact with that she knows and giving them messages to deliver to me - recognisable for their unusual choice of words that were her specific way of gaslighting me.
I Should Know Better Than to Expect Critical Thinking - Evangelicalism is a Cult
So now, I calm my CPTSD response after having that rug pulled from under me, sadly having to block yet another "friend" and just let her know that I'm past the point of trying to be friends with people who want me to change who I am, and confront the pattern and learn to stop being open-minded to the possibility that evangelicals will be open-minded or progressive.
Evangelicalism basically precludes critical thinking and independence in the name of "faith" and I really should know better, literally being someone who writes about cults, having been raised in a known cult within what is the larger cult of evangelicalism (see my article on what officially defines a cult for reference).
My Heart Is Getting Calloused Because Losing People Is So Routine Now
But my recovery and grieving process from this only took less than two minutes this time, possibly not even a minute, which was less than the five minutes it took after finally blocking my mother for the final time.
You see, as a trans person raised in conservatism... sometimes, like today, you're glad when you can still feel the acute pain of betrayal, when you opened up and trusted someone, and thought they actually genuinely did love and accept you as you are and not want you to change.
Because in reality, my heart is calloused from dealing with this so much, and in honesty, when encountering this stuff I often just feel weary.
Found/Chosen Family, Real Acceptance, Real Love
However, having the queer community really helps. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for my queer adoptive family who have supported me in every single way and been a real and truly loving family to me.
Still, it would be nice to be able to keep some of the people from my past.
Sometimes, the heart just longs for something permanent, instead of always having to keep moving on when things get uprooted again and again, my family always having to be reeling when a new tragedy or crisis strikes, as is so normal in the trans community where we have to support each other because of how little support we get outside of the community.
I Live For Something True and Truly Meaningful - a Life where I can be My True Self
But in reality.
Well.
In reality, I did have a feeling that some of those people were still not willing to follow the same road as me.
It's a kind of weird thing when you realise that some people have chosen to die on the hill of bigotry and will sacrifice everything for it.
What I've chosen to sacrifice everything for, should it come to it, is living my life and truth and being honest and authentic and free.
It's just weird that people who claim love can do nothing but abuse and sacrifice people for the sake of a dogma, and be proud of it as if it is a noble thing to be abusive to those who follow you, and to abandon those who criticise the abuse, or even simply cease to follow the authoritarian ruling of the cult.
I don't get it, I never will.
But at least I'm free and living truthfully.
Truth and authenticity has always mattered the most to me.
At least I can live with myself, because it took a LOT for me to sacrifice my relationships, and I wouldn't have lost them for a lesser price than what is truly authentic and means everything to me.
I had to put up boundaries, because my abusers gave me no choice and wouldn't accept who I am.
In reality, I had no choice but whether to survive or to be crushed by the abuse. And so I chose myself.
The price I paid was well worth it, for something legitimately greater, being my true self without abuse, unlike them I was forced to protect myself rather than making the completely optional choice to sacrifice my loved ones for the sake of bigotry.
I don't know how they live with something like that. It's hard enough having had to move on from my parents and other people who were family and close friends to me, and I wouldn't have done it for the light and selfish reasons they attribute to me.
But they had no such qualms when it came to sacrificing me for dogma and status quo of beliefs.
And I am grateful I'll never live the meaningless existence they do, where the purpose of life is defined by punishing and controlling others in order to quiet your own cognitive dissonance.
Thank Sagan I'll never more live that life I could have been ever trapped in due to the cult I suffered through for decades.
Never again.
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