📔 Losing Her
Last Updated: 3 months, 3 weeks ago
Yesterday I received news. The kind of news that...
Well.
So.
My friend is dying.
And yet, it is by her choice.
Assisted dying, not suicide in the way one generally thinks about suicide.
Her life through a really awful, painful chronic illness has deteriorated to the point where it is, by her partner and carer’s words, not life.
Her partner is honouring her wishes and supporting her to the end.
I’m not sure if my brain has processed this before, the fact that it has gotten to this point. They had mentioned it discussed as a hypothetical once - in a different life - before she even seemed to be sick, I believe.
I also haven’t reached out to her yet (she tends to do things online, there is not much else she can do).
I’m also, as I write this, not sure when I can share this, how much of it is legal (euthanasia) in the country she is living in and whether I am free to share it yet or ever, publicly, but I am writing this for myself, my mental health and processing.1
But it is time.
I think what hurts about knowing she is passing is how little time we spent together even though she really matters to me. 2
I feel like an imposter for saying that. What does she know of me? I kept out of her space a lot since her condition worsened, because she was extremely overwhelmed sensorily due to her illness3, and her partner was trying to protect her health and I was trying to respect that and not get in the way.
Pressuring them to accommodate me and my insecure need for bonding or to feel useful would not have been kind and would likely have been excruciating torture for her. I don’t think I could have imagined the extent, because I wasn’t there.
She wouldn’t have been able to be herself as she wanted to be and yet my irrational mind wishes I could be there for her and help in some way, and also show her how much she means to me, that my intention is to be there and to help, that I am not avoiding her because I don’t want to be there or be involved or be supportive.
How do you show someone you love them like family and that every conversation with them matters and that you always feel better in their presence, that you’ve never forgotten any of the moments you spent with them and how meaningful they were, the ways they gently listened and shared their own stories, imparted so much wisdom from their own life, while you were sharing your own grief and trauma?
Even when she was absent she was felt, in ways she’d drop off her partner to hang out with me, in ways she made space for me and others even when she was suffering, in the always non-judgemental ways she’d listen or let others talk while she rested, or show unquestioning support for my needs, no matter how frivolous they seemed, and compassion for my mental anguish at losing my relationship with my parents, when she and her partner were the ones who were there in my moment of grief and who told me, unequivocally, that I had a family in them.
That was years ago, in 2018, and though I've made many more friends and even some I'd also consider chosen family, still no one has been what they have been to me. And not once, never ever, did she ever make light of my situations or feelings, however insignificant or unimportant to me they may have felt, compared to others', often larger issues.
Not once.
Never.
Never ever.
This is someone I see as strong and resilient despite her condition. She’d loudly speak up for what she believed when other people would awkwardly avoid conflict, she’d point out the ridiculousness of so many bad systems and status quo without batting an eye. She’s always been a hero to me. And yet every time she talked with me she’s always been gentle and compassionate.
How do you tell someone like that how much you admire them, love them and respect them, and in many ways want to be like them, and wish you'd had more time to learn from them? That you wish there was more of them, them specifically, in the whole world?
It may seem contradictory that I will miss someone so much whom the past few years I’ve spent so little time with as her condition got worse, due to Covid-19 lockdowns and social distancing as well as our own financial limitations which made me travelling to visit anyone a real challenge.
But still every time of those few times that I see her I’m happy that I got to see her. I love her so much, like family because she truly IS family to me, in the real way. Much as it’s generally her partner whom I spend time with, as she can't be with us for the above reasons, most of the time. I don’t know if she knows how much she means to me.
Even when I can’t see her, I think of her a lot and how I wish I could, and how much I want to show her what she does mean to me.
It’s kind of funny: her partner and I have this joking meme between us that she (her partner) is like a doggo whereas I am a catto in our behaviours and how we interact with people. I often see her as a friendly and outgoing labrador retriever and myself as a gothic little black cat who sits in the corner watching everyone, basically those Lokitty and Labrathor, artworks which are a bit of a meme, describe us to a T and I treasure them.
And yet, in this situation I feel like a doggo, a labrador. I am loud, clumsy, affectionate, wanting to be by her side and be helpful but incapable and not sure how to do it, and ultimately I know I would only get in the way and knock things over.
And I know this is not about me. But still, I do wish there was a way I could be helpful.
But most of all I just wish I could spend time with her in some way.
To somehow show her what she means to me, without her illness causing her pain just through me being there.
We still have time.
I heard from her partner that this process will take about two years.4 And I can still try to think on it and we try to see what we, the people in her life, can do for her together to still show our love and support for her. And I anticipate my life changing and being able to move closer to her as well before she passes. Maybe there will be opportunities to help out without being in the way, on some of those rare good days, or by proxy, and maybe I will be able to find ways to show what she means to me online, which seems to be most of her life and world now anyway.
There is not much that can be done, but we will do the best we can to show her what she means to us and how much of a difference she’s made in our lives. I know she’s changed my life so much for the better, and even if I can't be there in person I will never forget or let go of that or of her, no matter what.
No matter what.
1 [April 15 2024 edit]: They explained that it is legal, but not where we live. She is making the expensive trip to the one place in the world where it is legal for non-citizens, as I write about here
2 [April 15 2024 edit]: We later did get to talk about this, I told her how I felt, and she told me that she knows that I care.
3 [April 15 2024 edit]: Severe ME/CFS, which many people don't know is degenerative, particularly if not managed in the earlier stages.
4 [April 15 2024 edit]: It turned out to be not so long as two years but a bit under one year - barring any visa hurdles that may affect her now-scheduled date for the procedure.
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