๐ Rebuilding my Life, Managing Overwhelm and Processing Trauma
Last Updated: 3ย months, 3ย weeks ago
Rebuilding My Life after Complete Burnout
Iโm in the process of (re)building my life after years of growing overwhelm (the pandemic just a late drop in a bucket already brimming over) and mental health crises, which culminated last year into the final (the worst but not the first) collapse.
As a result, I have had to become even more reliant on external support than Iโve ever been, and have had to seriously overhaul my life, reducing the pressure and building something sustainable.
This rebuilding includes gradually establishing a proper structure and routine the Activities of Daily Living (ADL) - a.k.a "adulting".
Addressing "Adulting" with CPTSD and ADHD
I am ADHD and also suffer from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Both of these strongly interfere with this process.
Here is a video on CPTSD and how it is different from regular PTSD:
CPTSD's emotional flashbacks, ADHD's lack of regulation, and the brain fog and overwhelm from both of these make achieving the level of executive function needed to "adult" difficult.
By the way, if you are not sure what executive dysfunction (EF) is, How to ADHD has a great explanation of how it relates to ADHD specifically:
Learning to incorporate ADL/"adulting", for me, means finding an ADHD workaround to something that has been taught neuronormatively as an intuitive process.
My struggle has been largely due to these conditions and the life circumstances compounding my mental illness as far as I can tell. But yes, mental health is ACTUALLY also physical health, (just as software and hardware are both physical if you really dig into it), and I am also having to try to learn how to better manage my physical health (sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc) in the process.
Plus, that is part of what it is to "adult": to function sustainably. I have started to realise that the term might not merely be an ableist term but actually a foundational requirement for me to not rebound into crisis in the first place, if I am ever to take on an actual job again, given I cannot afford to pay someone else to take care of my daily needs like cooking etc while I work.
Of course, the capitalist patriarchy would happily ignore that the reason these things are seen as so trivial is ableism and the exploitation of women as unpaid emotional and general labour to facilitate their husbands' careers and thus enabling the exploitation of workers in society without realistic regard for their time needs outside of work.
But also, work itself for survival is a level of pressure that requires me to have the foundations of my life in order so that I do not risk further collapse, as each mental health collapse has been worse than the last one and they came from not understanding the need to reduce my own pressure in order to address the overwhelm properly, heal and rebuild in an actually sustainable way.
The Shape of my Trauma
In the final crash I had actually taken on far more than I could handle instead of offloading because:
I was raised in a performative culture of perfectionism, which became paralysing to me
I wasn't used to asserting boundaries and prioritising myself
I wasn't used to actually having reliable people in my life
These realities were part of my past trauma, where it was normalised for me to be bled dry for the sake of others without expecting to be able to assert boundaries or ask for my own needs to be met.
Being overwhelmed by CPTSD survival fears based on experiences of being abused and let down can make one act out of fear, instead of leaning on others.
The sad irony is that pursuing the perceived safety of not relying on any others even where one needs to rely on others one can trust, can just cause more damage both internally (one's mental and physical health) and externally (managing one's life) - in fact, the two types of damage reinforce each other if one isn't seeking appropriate help.
Addressing The Overwhelm while Healing
Psychiatrist Dr K's has a great video on how multitasking can actually be making us feel overwhelmed, and how learning to prioritize over being efficient can actually help us accomplish more:
My takeaways from this are:
Do Just One Thing at a Time
I have started trying to focus on one thing at a time though in honesty it is hella difficult for me:On an ADHD Level
From my attempts thus far I suspect this will be a bit more tricky and nuanced for my ADHD brain, which does focus better when I'm allowed to stim, so what constitutes "multitasking", what types of tasks are detracting from my focus vs actually helping it and how much of that multitasking I should or shouldn't be doing to optimally focus will most likely differ for me from how it would be for neurotypicals.
I foresee many potential future topics to delve into in the above paragraph alone as there is a lot that can be derived from this - the whole ADHD modus operandi intersection can be explored in depth here.
I'll keep you posted on how this goes for me. I have a feeling I'll be reporting back on this method soon, as I start to see how it works for me and what potential adjustments I may need to make for my own functioning.On a CPTSD Level
In addition to the ADHD, there is also the CPTSD element though. Part of my obsession with multitasking could be due to how the anxious thoughts creep in with CPTSD when things start to slow down, and how keeping busy is a way to keep deferring the big thoughts that arenโt urgent but ARE stressful...
Probably because they're actually things I am becoming gradually aware of which my subconscious is trying to avoid confronting.
Basically, the activation of the sympathetic nervous system in response to subconscious trauma which causes me to instinctively want to avoid the trauma response rather than addressing that response and processing the underlying trauma in order to reduce or disable the trigger.
This requires me to:
recognise that I'm having this response
be able to regulate the emotional and physiological response in order to then
confront the trigger itself and identify its origins to process and thus deactivate its power.
This leads me neatly onto my next takeaway:
- Not avoiding the thoughts that come up
Of course, it's clear that avoiding processing and avoiding addressing the real problems isn't solving anything, so indeed I intend to focus more on, well, focusing (on one thing at a time.)
Conclusion: Goals to build Routines
This means the goals underpinning my recovery and life-rebuilding plan right now are essentially:
Self-regulation
Managing feelings of overwhelm, both from ADHD and CPTSD. This requires building a lot of self-awareness of how I feel, including emotional and sensory discomfort. This starts with not ignoring addressing my physical needs like hunger, tiredness or when I'm feeling hot or cold, etc, as these are is easy for ADHD people to become unaware of. Ignoring physical discomfort and needs makes it difficult to identify anything else going wrong amidst cumulative and confusing sensory overload.
Building off of this foundation of awareness as a way of knowing my limits and managing feelings of overwhelm, establishing a pattern of then being able to safely manage:Processing
Allowing myself to actually get into those CPTSD thoughts and process them, and I guess figuring out whatโs beneath all of them (safely and gradually, keeping mindful of potential emotional flashbacks and regulating myself in accordance with poly-vagal theory nervous states ).
Simultaneously with:Building routines
Gradually building routines around the ADL ("getting better at adulting"), and mental health (eg meditation and processing) which ultimately lays a foundation of stability.
Not Getting Ahead of Myself
Much as I would like to try become financially independent and launch myself into a career, this is not an option for me right now as the pressure is not something I can sustain without those foundations. This is something that has been an incredibly hard lesson for me to learn, because, as I mentioned, CPTSD really does do a number on those survival fears, making one want to address the immediate fear instead of acknowledging that one is safe and needs to be able to self-regulate before attempting anything else.
And even while working through where I'm currently at, I still need to remember to resist the performative pressure of perfectionism that so easily leads to analysis paralysis, to not wind up sabotaging my progress and winding up back in that overwhelmed state.
Also maybe I should watch that curiously-named movie to see if it in any way relates to that sense of feeling overwhelmed. Okay. That may just be my ADHD curiosity.
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